Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Guest Post: The Trials and Tribulations of Dating in Japan

Today we have a guest post from a friend of mine, Seira, who has some entertaining (at least for us) dating stories to share! You can find her blog at

So far, my only real "dating" experience has been in Tokyo. I'm 28 and until a year ago I was in a mostly long-distance relationship with another American, but we broke up after six years together. He was my first boyfriend and I'd never done the whole dating thing before him. 

A couple months after the breakup, I was ready to get back out there, so I dusted off my Okcupid profile and started talking to guys and going on dates. Pretty soon, all things considered, I found someone who I liked and who asked me to be his girlfriend. Voila', my very first Japanese boyfriend. We only dated for three months though, and I broke up with him shortly after Valentine's Day. This was mostly because: he neglected me as soon as his job got busy, was obsessed with his own success, acted weirdly controlling sometimes (telling me I should shave my arm hair, not complain in Japanese in public, and only give him my half of the bill after the cashier couldn't see us anymore), and would defend Japanese people's biased treatment of me as perfectly logical.

Since then, I've gone on quite a few dates. But, it's getting to be ridiculous. I'd like to find a cute, fit, nice boyfriend I can go on regular dates with, but it's just not happening. In the meantime, here are a few examples of the gentlemen (?) I have met over the past six months or so.

Shortly after breaking up with my ex I installed Tinder on my phone. At first, it was great - so many hot guys! So much fun swiping! But after going on some Tinder dates, the truth was revealed (dun dun DUN!).

My first-ever Tinder date was with a Japanese med student, and it was an eye-opener. We met at the station on a weeknight and I was pleased because he was pretty cute in person. We had fun talking and flirting at an izakaya, when suddenly he leaned across the table and kissed me! Into it, I suggested we go walk around nearby Inokashira Park. Let's just say we weren't the only couple there... but the evening ended (relatively) chastely. We even met again the following weekend. 

I wasn't expecting much, but he messaged me soon after to say that it was rare for him to have that free time, and from now on he was going to be too busy with his tennis club to be able to see me again *eyeroll*. That last part ("sorry babe, too busy with tennis club to meet up again, ever") makes quite the story though. I've already amused some Japanese coworkers with it (leaving out the earlier bits, of course).

The next interesting character was an American working for a vinyl-toy maker. I guess this one's kind of ongoing, but who knows! During our two dates he talked a lot about  the toy industry world in Tokyo and abroad, which I found mildly entertaining. However, the kicker was at the end of the second date. I was expecting us to hug goodbye or something, but instead he stuck out his hand. For a handshake. I shook it and we went our separate ways.

I mean, a handshake?! I gave him up as a lost cause. But, a few months after that second date, we met up again for cute animal-decorated doughnuts. Still not sure what to make of him though.

After getting sick of the hook-up nature of Tinder, I went back to OKCupid. 

The next one was particularly weird, as on our first date he told me he had schizophrenia and a few other issues (Asperger's etc), so I probably dodged a bullet. At first he mispronounced schizophrenia, so I had no idea what he was trying to say, and then when I got it I was just shocked. I've always thought of it as a fairly serious disorder. All I could ask was if he was on meds, because usually you need them. He said he wasn't and was having trouble with his psychiatrist. This was at a cute restaurant in Shibuya, after he had picked me up in his car (well, family/parents' car - and his license was about to get revoked for speeding) near my workplace. I later found out that (unless he was lying to me) it had been 5 years since he'd had sex with someone. Yeah...
I even ended up referring him to my psychiatrist!

Finally, for the end of this brief introduction to my dating disasters, we come to the section I like to call: 'finance guys don't like me'. In pre-date chatting and messaging, we'd discovered that he'd studied abroad during high school in my home state and within 25 miles of where I grew up, so that seemed like a cool connection. He'd gone to Yale for college and had basically perfect English. We met on a Saturday afternoon in Kagurazaka, and I think it became clear to both of us pretty early that there was no spark, physically or mentally. He just came off totally humorless and I'm sure I seemed illogical and incomprehensible to him (as demonstrated by his remark "wait, you sleep in until 2 or 3 O'CLOCK on weekends?!"). So, nope. Nope, nope, nope.

So, there we have it. Anyone have any advice? What am I doing wrong? Anyone you want to introduce me to? Any cute, single boys out there? ;)
                                                                                                                                          *edited by Miss Godzilla     
Thanks Seira! If anyone has ideas for her, leave them in the comments!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Apartment hunting in Tokyo: The Search Commences

Now that Matcha-kun and I have decided to live together, the hunt is on for a Tokyo apartment large enough to accommodate two slightly oversized people. And I am thrilled, there are few things I like more than looking at oodles of real estate.

However, this does not mean that this is a simple endeavor. While Matcha-kun's requirement list is quite short (as large as possible, nearish a useful train line), mine is a little more elaborate: as new as possible, 2nd floor or higher up, no tatami, lots of storage, quiet, if possible near some greenery. Finding a 2LDK within budget is going to be challenging.

The first hunting trips have been an eye opening experience. I have found that, in general, architects seem to think storage is optional, and that double glazed windows are a rarity, even when the apartment is near a major thoroughfare. 

Also, dealing with real estate agents is an exercise in patience. Although I get that this is partly due to the fact that Matcha-kun will probably be the one with his name on the lease (as being a Japanese national makes it easier), agents only ask him questions. I will be paying half the rent (a fact we explained) and yet they don't ask what my job is, where I work or anything. Since we have let them know that I will be the one deciding on the apartment, as my requirements are more numerous and am more familiar with real estate, this seems like bad business practice. 

When I showed up alone to look at a rather expensive place, Mr. Agent was all nervously aflutter about the fact my 'goshujin' (husband... yeah, ugh) wasn't with me. It is all so very heteronormative and annoying, but such is life.

It seems like each place we/I have visited has a major minus flaw or two. The gorgeous designer apartment was far too small for two people. The two incredibly large flats were either in a building that looks like a set from The Ring or right in front of a major noisy street. The house(!) had the most ridiculous layout and no space for a fridge... along with the most hideous floral wallpaper I have had the doubtful pleasure to set eyes on.

Next week is another round, wish me luck!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Phone Photos: Glimpse into everyday weirdness

Today we have a special guest appearance, and a selection of recent interesting events.

Sooo, Matcha-kun is patient beyond belief. I love to mess with his hair (that truly black, never-been-bleached colour that some Asians have) and am generally a pest. Yet somehow he doesn't mind (much). I twirl my hair bands into it, and he comes out looking far better than I do!
Another Matcha-kun trait is that it takes a great deal of effort to wake him. Which means that, if he decides to take a nap when I am hyper, there is a high risk of me staging impromptu photoshoots... with my wardrobe. The photos are used with permission, by the way.
I have written before about my love/hate relationship with vending machines. On the whole, I am now pretty much immune to drink machines... but unusual ones still catch my attention. Everyday I pass an icecream machine, selling this pumpkin and cookie flavored temptation. In the name of culinary science, I had to try it (because pumpkin!). The verdict: it tastes like a very rich cookies and cream icecream, not pumpkin-y at all. Sad.
On the topic of irresistible things, I saw this sign and am now obsessed. I want a giant coffee mug emblazoned with this phrase. Although I must say, I have cut back my coffee habit, which was getting waaay out of hand.
My parents (who are awesome, if a bit nuts) sent this fabulous t-shirt. Yes, it is indeed emblazoned with corgis. This makes the 4th corgi themed gift I have received so far, and am very pleased with this trend!

What else did they send, you ask? Well, that would be Jabba the Corg.
I hope everyone had a good week, the weekend is just around the corner!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I Quit my High-Powered Job... AND THAT'S OK

So, some people seemed to be wondering what the hell was up with my previous post about job hunting in Japan. After all, it wasn't so long ago I announced to the world that I was taking on a fancy new position, right? Was that post just a random thing, or a late compendium of thoughts?

I have actually accepted another job, my second in less than 9 months. I quit my previous company and then spent 2 months soul searching, job hunting and confronting a lot of my prideful demons.

Let me make it crystal clear: I adore my previous company. This is not lip service, I had fantastic colleagues (whom I am still in close contact with), great pay, nice corporate culture, and a lot of support. The product is amazing, and the technology truly top notch. It was because of all of these factors that I stayed on as long as I could, even past the point that was probably mentally healthy.

The only issue was, I hated the job: sales. Towards the Japanese market.

As someone who likes to speak to people and give presentations, I thought sales would be a good fit. I had done something related before, and was excited to dive into the tech world and prove myself.

But pure sales turned out to be a very different experience. Cold calls, pushing clients, constant back and forth over technical issues, pressure and late hours. All this done in Japanese.

I did my best, taking company-sponsored keigo classes, researching competitors, gleaning info from my sempai, calling company after company, mailing list after list. Eventually, I was waking up every morning with a cannonball of dread in my stomache, breaking down in tears of fear and frustration, and waking up at 5:00am in a panic. I ignored it for as long as I could, because I liked the company so much.

I have a huge sense of responsibility, and so whenever I saw my numbers stagnating or not rising as rapidly as predicted (even for reasons outside of my control), I felt horribly guilty that I was letting down the team. My self-worth attached itself to those numbers, and left me in a constant state of anxiety. What made it worse is that my teammates were all so kind and helpful, giving advice on how to resolve technical issues or boost results. It would almost have been preferable if they had been mad at me, thus reflecting how mad I was at myself for not being able to reach the level I thought I should.

Sales people, those who actually love the thrill of the chase and are motivated by bonuses and KPIs, are amazing. Watching my sempai in action was a masterclass, as he took hold of the power balance and brought huge accounts in again and again.

But it isn't for me. And that, I eventually figured out, is ok. No matter how much you may want to, you can't be good at everything, or make yourself like something you truly do not.

Now I have found a position much closer to my interests (travel), that uses my language skills, and that is challenging without making me an anxious mess. It is still IT-related (a must), venture-like and allows me to tell stories, which I love.

I have figured out what I can and cannot live with, although my pride took a giant hit in the process. 

The more you know, right?

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sundays in the Shitamachi: Arakawa Line

The charming little Arakawa line is one of Tokyo's hidden gems. An old-fashioned tram, it snakes (very slowly) from around Waseda all through the shitamachi, before ending up Minowabashi.

The trams themselves are a bit of a mishmash, with modern streetcars mixed in with adorable older models, all papered on the inside with advertisements that seem to have remained the same since late Showa. 

The tracks are tightly sandwiched between houses and shopping streets, the little free space often taken over by impromptu gardens of roses and hydrangeas. In short, a nostalgia buff's idea of heaven. 

After buying a cheap all-day pass (only 400 yen, yay!), we jumped on near Ikebukuro and headed towards Sugamo.
Sugamo also happens to be known as 'Grandma's Harajuku', with the average age appearing to be somewhere around 60-70. The long shopping street, which is quite close to Koshinzuka station, is well-stocked with tea, old-style breads and snacks, along with the famous shops purveying bright red underwear (said to promote what means, I choose to not inquire).

Our first stop, inspired by Matcha-kun's desire for coffee, was at a little wood paneled coffee shop, across from a crazy umbrella store. The iced coffee came in tall, brass goblets. Perhaps not the most convenient vessel, but certainly an entertaining one, ideal for proposing silly, caffeine-fueled toasts.

After checking out Asukayama park, with its fanciful playground and fun concrete elephant, we headed back towards town (and dinner). The final stop of the day was at Zoshigaya cemetery. Thanks to the tradition of cremation (ie. no zombies), Japanese cemeteries hold no fear for me, and in fact are a special favorite for walks, checking out unusual tombs and the giant cats that often populate them.
While a whole bunch of famous historical figures are buried here, I cam looking for two in particular. Ogino Ginko (the first female doctor in Japan) and Natsume Soseki (the famous writer). Sadly, despite checking maps and roaming back and forth, we couldn't find John Manjiro (one of the first Japanese people to visit the United States) whom Matcha-kun wished to visit... perhaps his spirit wasn't interested in guests right then?

Friday, August 8, 2014

Tradition: Behind the Snark

My affair with Japan is like a good relationship: I care for the darn place so much that at times I hate it. I can't pretend the bad sides don't exist (that would be denial, very unhealthy), but after cooling down remember once again why I fought so hard for so long to return.
Outside the new Kabukiza, glowing in Ginza's neon twilight, I can just make out the sound of the hyoshigi, the inimitable high-pitched wooden clappers, which never fail to make my ears prick up.

From my open window I watch a trademark Yokohama Pastel Sunset, and hear strains of far-off Bon Odori music.

Walking home I smell curry, unagi and ramen, laced together with a faint hint of summer rain on the wind.
Funny how it is smallest things that reassure us that all is well.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Job hunting and interviews: what the guides don't tell you

Job hunting in Japan is known for being quite difficult for expats. At least 90% of companies are domestic, and so have little interest or reason to hire people who speak other languages. The remaining lot often require 'native Japanese' along with 'native English' (which is basically a way of saying they want Japanese employees who speak excellent English... a small and highly sought out minority).

If you are fortunate enough to get interviews, the weirdness is far from over. Japan is quite 'late' in many things, and famously the treatment of women in the workforce is one of these. Most of the weird questions I have been presented would never be asked of someone Japanese or male. By the way, some of these are against the law, so if you are asked them feel free to react with well-placed shock. (Disclaimer: many of these are, naturally, not exclusive to Japan)

So, here is the top 10 of weird, rude or illegal questions I have been asked:

10- Do you have children?
I checked with several male friends, both Japanese and non, and none of them were asked this. If you are, I recommend a good, long piercing stare, because this is illegal.

9- Are you married? 
See above. I additionally recommend using gender neutral language, to check how comfortable they are with non-binary relationships.

8- So, how do your parents feel about you being so far away?
This question is basically a different version of 'so, when are you going back to your country?'. While it is a legitimate question, bringing parents into it feels a bit patronizing. I realize that this is partially a cultural thing, but it should be clear from one look at my CV and personality that parental approval is not a big concern.

7- Why Japan?
I hate this question, because my truthful answer is usually not what people want to hear (aka I love the culture, the history, the traditions, the food...). While I do love the koto and old stuff, mostly I find that (on the whole) Japan is a good fit personality-wise. Also, hey! I speak fluent Japanese... far too practical reasons, it seems.

6- Well, we were kinda hoping to hire a native Japanese person... do you know anyone?
Fine, then put that information in the job description! What was particularly annoying is that this was for a qualitative research position... a field where, famously, knowing a culture but not being of a culture is considered a major asset.

5-Are you Catholic?
No, and how does this have anything to do with my skills, potential or ability to do the job? 
Also, not all Italians are Catholic, and not all Catholics are Italian. Repeat until it sinks in.

4- Describe what you would do if money was no object.
Write. Sleep until 10am everyday. Volunteer at animal shelters and food banks. Play the koto. Go out for long leisurely lunches. Get hour long massages from Oguri Shun lookalikes (okay, that sometimes happens already). You know you will be lied to when asking this why ask it?

3- Please list all of your schooling, starting at elementary school.
Do my results in Colouring and Show and Tell really matter for this job? Also, the schools I attended all across the world will mean nothing to a Japanese interviewer. This is not a case of figuring out if my elementary school self was smart enough to get into Waseda's 'elevator' middle school (a concept I already find beyond the pale). In addition, there seemed to be some kind of insinuation that I had gotten kicked out of the schools... certainly not the more logical (and previously explained) fact that my parents' occupation required constant moves.

2- Can you use a computer well?
No, somehow I managed to run an official social media page, and then work for a famous tech company without ever having to touch one of those scary devil-boxes... like, seriously?!
Also, my proficiencies (including, you know, the ability to check source code for tags and deal with major DSPs) are all listed on my CV, which the interviewer had obviously not read.

1- Where are your ancestors buried?
I usually have an answer for everything, but this question left me spluttering. There are literally no words, and when the company (a famous, supposedly hip Japanese platform) decided to call me back for a second interview I let my recruiter  know exactly why I flat out refused. Eeeesh.

What weird questions have you been asked during interviews?