Friday, January 27, 2012

Winter in Tokyo... and Ms.Godzilla asks for advice

Tokyo is not a place where I expect it to snow (albeit that my digs are closer to Yokohama).

There is something terribly romantic about practicing the koto (particularly pieces like 'Yuki' or 'Yugao', based on Genji Monogatari) while it is snowing outside. However, having spent my undergraduate years in the cold,snowy MidWest of the US, I am actually no longer a big fan of snow. I take the Italian approach: 'You go to the snow, ski on it, and then leave.'

Even in small amounts it seems to somehow muffle sound, making the world more quiet... of course that could just be caused by the wooly hat and wrapping my scarf all the way up to my ears!

Perhaps it is the weather, but the snow reminded me of how long I have been getting to know Matcha-kun... and the fact that, at some point in the near future, I need to tell him the truth.

You see, I am one of those 'unnatural' women who has no interest in having children. I realized this when I was very young, and shut up about it, since it seemed like every other girl I knew was crazy about children and babies. I have not changed my opinion since then. I do not hate kids in the least, infact I quite like them... provided they are someone else's.

I have been told, usually by men, that I will change my mind, that when the right guy comes along I will somehow magically develop the desire to procreate (I will not even go into how insulting it is to tell someone they do not know their own mind). Besides, the right guy did show up, and I desperately tried to convince myself that children might be a possibility. But there is only so far you can deceive yourself. On the plus side, from the end of that relationship I realized that I need to make this fact abundantly clear.But when?!

If I state ' Hey, nice to meet you and, incidentally, I have no interest whatsoever in bearing your children' on a first date, the results are easily imaginable. Do I wait for him to broach the topic first (eeesh, that sounds cowardly)? Do I bring it up when we start discussing a more serious relationship? Matcha-kun does not appear particularly interested in kids, from what I have observed.... but being a chounan in most countries does carry several expectations, an heir being one of them...

I do not lie. I do not bait-and-switch. But this little fact about myself really does not help at all, especially in this country, where it seems all the guys want to have kids... it would be so much easier if I did too.

One should never say never, as stranger things than a person changing their long-held beliefs happen all the time... but how do I tell him? Any advice for a slightly frightened giant amphibian?


  1. I don't see being childfree as an unnatural type of thing -- in fact, it's very normal and healthy. I'm childfree too! :) If weren't the case in Japan, the birthrate would be a lot higher than it is now, despite all the guys "wanting children."

    I think it would be best to ask about how he feels about children and go from there. "Do you like children?" "Are you comfortable around them?" "Do you want them?" are good questions to start with.

  2. You know, I don't think it's that weird, not wanting to have children. But I do agree that a lot of people seem to want to pressure each other into having children. I'm always curious as to what all the hurry is about :/
    But surprisingly, Shota doesn't have any really desire to have children. And he likes kids just fine, but he says he prefers it just the two of us (he's also kind of immature though lol And NOT a chounan~). But still, you might be surprised at how uninterested he may be..? Just a thought.

    I wouldn't just bring up the topic randomly either though. I think it'll probably come up on it's own eventually :)

  3. That's a toughie. I have several co-workers who are married without children, though, and may already be or will soon be past childbearing age. So despite what I see as massive pressure to have children here there are definitely couples without.

    I had a couple difficult things to tell my boyfriend that wouldn't come up in conversation but that I felt that he should know. It was difficult to know a right time per se but I picked times when we were already happy and just lounging around together, and it worked out.

    I think it depends on you and your guy. Sonna above's approach seems like one that might work. But...again, if Mr. Matcha REALLY wants kids I feel like that will come up on his end too. (It definitely came up from my boyfriend...I used to be all "I don't want kids!" but then in college when I was single I started thinking up scenarios of what I would do if I suddenly wanted a kid and I was still single, and the "no" turned into "probably". I'm wishy-washy sometimes. But I am not one of those "everyone should have kids" people :D)

  4. Thank you all(^_^)
    It's a tough call... while waiting for it to come up naturally would be my favored approach, the fact is I do not want to get even more involved and attached, in case he does want kids, because that will end things.
    And then there is the part of me that does not want to say anything, to ensure the continued pleasure of his company...

  5. If you don't want to be so direct, you can say "My friend Natsumi (or insert name here) says that she wants eight children! What do you think?" or something similar.

    I recommend the book "Childfree and Loving it!" to you, Ms. Godzilla. :)

  6. Hahaha, what is really hilarious is that I do have a friend called Natsumi who adores kids:p
    Good idea though, I will try that! Thanks Sonna(^_^) and I will check out that book too!

  7. wait till you see a crying child in the streets (which is not often in japan) and say "wow that looks like hard work.. have you thought of children?" hah! :) sounds odd saying it now.. but with the right schhreeaming child, it might just work!!

    good luck! :)

  8. My god! I really wanted to watch Sumo when I lived in Japan.
    I met a girl who unfortunately hate sumo though...

    Hope that I will experience it before I die though :)

  9. Hi Joel, you can always go see sumo by yourself or with friends. I hope you get a chance to watch it live sometime

  10. That's a really nice place, nice culture, old place to visit.
    I think Japan its a really great place where you can sit and enjoy the moment..