Romance is in the eye of the beholder

I am told that 'Japanese men just aren't romantic'... well, to tell the truth I have no idea, as my demographic samples are quite limited. Still, I think romance is very much in the eye of the beholder. Red roses are nice, but they can be bought. Those little things that don't involve a wallet are often far better.

Here are a few things I find incredibly thoughtful, and even romantic (in an odd, non-media conforming way):

1- 'The bed is yours'

When I'm sick, I mainly just want space, to huddle under covers and wait for my immune system to win its battle against the evil invading germs. Although I have never vocalized this, Matcha-kun will still decamp to our tatami room, and leave me the whole bed to myself, 'So you can sleep deeply and not worry about waking me up'. He provides me with medicine, food and water too, but this particular gesture is so very much appreciated.

2- Dish Washing

I hate washing dishes, getting my hands dirty and poked by cutlery. Eeew. But since moving in together, I can literally count the times I have had to wash dishes on one hand. Okay, so it drives me up the wall when he doesn't overturn the cups and bowls (the water can't run out, aaaah) but not having to do a hated chore is a real gift.

3- 'As you wish'

I am a bit...stubborn. Bossy? Assertive? A combination of the three? Topped with a strong desire to See All The Things, this makes me a bit difficult to travel or walk around a city with. And yet, no matter what weird thing it is I have decided to do (see the extremely difficult-to-find tomb of Ogino Ginko, look for vegan burgers in Shinjuku etc...) he comes along with a smile and a great deal of patience (did I mention that I also have no sense of direction?). This support means the world to me.

Does anyone else have these types of weird gestures they wish to share?

Guest Post: The Trials and Tribulations of Dating in Japan

Today we have a guest post from a friend of mine, Seira, who has some entertaining (at least for us) dating stories to share! You can find her blog at translatorytokyo.wordpress.com.

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So far, my only real "dating" experience has been in Tokyo. I'm 28 and until a year ago I was in a mostly long-distance relationship with another American, but we broke up after six years together. He was my first boyfriend and I'd never done the whole dating thing before him. 

A couple months after the breakup, I was ready to get back out there, so I dusted off my Okcupid profile and started talking to guys and going on dates. Pretty soon, all things considered, I found someone who I liked and who asked me to be his girlfriend. Voila', my very first Japanese boyfriend. We only dated for three months though, and I broke up with him shortly after Valentine's Day. This was mostly because: he neglected me as soon as his job got busy, was obsessed with his own success, acted weirdly controlling sometimes (telling me I should shave my arm hair, not complain in Japanese in public, and only give him my half of the bill after the cashier couldn't see us anymore), and would defend Japanese people's biased treatment of me as perfectly logical.

Since then, I've gone on quite a few dates. But, it's getting to be ridiculous. I'd like to find a cute, fit, nice boyfriend I can go on regular dates with, but it's just not happening. In the meantime, here are a few examples of the gentlemen (?) I have met over the past six months or so.

Shortly after breaking up with my ex I installed Tinder on my phone. At first, it was great - so many hot guys! So much fun swiping! But after going on some Tinder dates, the truth was revealed (dun dun DUN!).

My first-ever Tinder date was with a Japanese med student, and it was an eye-opener. We met at the station on a weeknight and I was pleased because he was pretty cute in person. We had fun talking and flirting at an izakaya, when suddenly he leaned across the table and kissed me! Into it, I suggested we go walk around nearby Inokashira Park. Let's just say we weren't the only couple there... but the evening ended (relatively) chastely. We even met again the following weekend. 

I wasn't expecting much, but he messaged me soon after to say that it was rare for him to have that free time, and from now on he was going to be too busy with his tennis club to be able to see me again *eyeroll*. That last part ("sorry babe, too busy with tennis club to meet up again, ever") makes quite the story though. I've already amused some Japanese coworkers with it (leaving out the earlier bits, of course).

The next interesting character was an American working for a vinyl-toy maker. I guess this one's kind of ongoing, but who knows! During our two dates he talked a lot about  the toy industry world in Tokyo and abroad, which I found mildly entertaining. However, the kicker was at the end of the second date. I was expecting us to hug goodbye or something, but instead he stuck out his hand. For a handshake. I shook it and we went our separate ways.

I mean, a handshake?! I gave him up as a lost cause. But, a few months after that second date, we met up again for cute animal-decorated doughnuts. Still not sure what to make of him though.

After getting sick of the hook-up nature of Tinder, I went back to OKCupid. 

The next one was particularly weird, as on our first date he told me he had schizophrenia and a few other issues (Asperger's etc), so I probably dodged a bullet. At first he mispronounced schizophrenia, so I had no idea what he was trying to say, and then when I got it I was just shocked. I've always thought of it as a fairly serious disorder. All I could ask was if he was on meds, because usually you need them. He said he wasn't and was having trouble with his psychiatrist. This was at a cute restaurant in Shibuya, after he had picked me up in his car (well, family/parents' car - and his license was about to get revoked for speeding) near my workplace. I later found out that (unless he was lying to me) it had been 5 years since he'd had sex with someone. Yeah...

I even ended up referring him to my psychiatrist!

Finally, for the end of this brief introduction to my dating disasters, we come to the section I like to call: 'finance guys don't like me'. In pre-date chatting and messaging, we'd discovered that he'd studied abroad during high school in my home state and within 25 miles of where I grew up, so that seemed like a cool connection. He'd gone to Yale for college and had basically perfect English. We met on a Saturday afternoon in Kagurazaka, and I think it became clear to both of us pretty early that there was no spark, physically or mentally. He just came off totally humorless and I'm sure I seemed illogical and incomprehensible to him (as demonstrated by his remark "wait, you sleep in until 2 or 3 O'CLOCK on weekends?!"). So, nope. Nope, nope, nope.

So, there we have it. Anyone have any advice? What am I doing wrong? Anyone you want to introduce me to? Any cute, single boys out there? ;)

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Thanks Seira! If anyone has ideas for her, leave them in the comments!

Dating in Japan: Feminism and Being the Odd One Out

Dating in Japan as a rather fervent feminist is a constant education in boundaries. 

How far does one bend, to adjust to cultural differences? How to gently make your position crystal clear, when your significant other is trying to be kind, but missing the mark? When to make a stand, and when to save your comments for another time?

Having now been in a relationship with Matcha-kun for two and a half years (whoa!), I can definitely see how he has changed over time, as he has absorbed a great deal of information on issues that are important to me. An understanding of women's issues, accepting my strong views on vegetarianism, better knowledge of non-binary gender and sexuality issues... his willingness to learn about these often uncomfortable subjects is one of the many reasons we are still in a relationship.

Of the two, he is definitely the more easygoing one, a true grace for me, as I am very intense and stubborn. I know that I must drive him absolutely nuts sometimes, but nonetheless he doesn't run.

But surrounding cultural norms, and the opinions I hear from other people, often still make my (metaphorical) hackles rise.

However I look at it the issues seem to boil down to money, or rather economic independence.

When I was pondering a career move, which might mean that I would be without work for a bit, the various reactions I got were highly annoying. Matcha-kun, thinking he was being kind, kept on reiterating that it would be okay, he would support me economically. I tried to gently deflect this line of thought, until eventually I had to take a much firmer stance. 

He is not responsible for supporting me, I am in charge of me. Whatever decisions I make, I will take responsibility for them, and making a living is on the forefront of that list. It is very hard to explain to someone, who is obviously trying to be reassuring, why this ticks me off so much.

From the Greek chorus I live with, the comments seemed to focus on how, should I have any financial or visa issues, I should get married. Again, this bothers me. The concept of using someone for their money disturbs me, as does the idea of giving up all my independence (and hard earned skills) just because I might potentially have a slightly rocky couple of months.

I take great pride in fending for myself, and do not see economic dependence as something to aspire to. Being by myself is not frightening, and in this there is strength. I do not seek someone who will take care of me, but rather someone who will be an equal partner in crime. 

These stances make me (and others who have similar affinities) stand out among many of my circle of acquaintances. A belief in true equality makes one a bit of an outlier here, and sometimes it seems the breaking point is near. And other times you need to restrain yourself from slapping people.

But fortunately at least with Matcha-kun we both bend but do not break, like my neighbor's majestic bamboo during typhoon season.

Dating in Japan: Lessons in Communication

Try as you might, in any relationship there will be instances of miscommunication. However, when the two (or however many) people involved are native speakers of two different languages, brought up in very different cultures, with different ideas about context, the possibilities for missing the mark grow exponentially.

I went over to Nagano with Matcha-kun to spend New Years with his family. Things started out a bit off, as I ended up getting to my station early, and let Matcha-kun know that I would go on ahead. In my message I did not include where we would meet, since I assumed that we would do so at the place we had discussed previously. 20 minutes later a flustered Matcha-kun showed up at the norikae station, having rushed over, looking rather annoyed.

Lesson 1: Although Japan is a high context society, it is best to spell things out clearly, just to avoid confusion.

We got to Nagano safely, and headed over to his grandmother's house for dinner. Having met most of his family previously the ackwardness was kept to a minimum, and I finally got to meet his younger brother as well. We chatted and munched on awesome food (including the family recipe, tomato spaghetti springrolls), generally having a great time. His mother drove me back to the hotel, and I asked if I could bring anything for dinner on the 31st.

Next day, over lunch at the beautiful Fujiya Gohonjin, Matcha-kun informed me that since his father had to work on the 31st there would be no get-together that evening. A combination of stress, embarassment, shock at not being told beforehand and trepidation at being alone for NYE, led to me bursting into tears in the middle of the Fujiya's lovely dining room. A bit of an overreaction, especially since we ended up having a nice evening, but nonetheless...

Lesson 2: Make sure plans are properly discussed beforehand, with clarifications if it seems that either party is a bit confused.

Fortunately, Lesson 3 was more successful: Sometimes you have to bite your tongue to maintain harmony.

While I am usually opinionated, especially when I hear ignorant comments, there is a time and a place for everything. It is not polite for me to reel away from baby pictures (yup, I am even uninterested in the baby pics of my beloved), tell people to let up about family members' weight or go into great detail about why I don't eat meat. This lesson also includes more daily interactions, picking your battles and being supportive, even when sometimes you are not terribly interested in your significant other's hobbies.

I guess none of these points are exclusive to Japan, but the trip to Nagano was a good reminder to not get complacent!