Dating in Japan: Reactions

Notice: While I am dealing with the whole moving process, I will be bringing back a few of my most popular posts for an airing. Once things have settled down a bit more, I will be back to regular posting.

One of the unexpected parts of dating Japanese guys is the reaction one gets from women. I am well-aware that the Asian Male/Non-Asian Female couple is still considered a bit of a minority in the relationship arena, so knew that people might be a bit surprised. However I did not expect to hear from my Japanese female friends:

'Why would you date them?! Japanese guys aren't nice!'

Really? In all the countries I have lived in and visited, I have never experienced such widespread disparagement about the local males (except perhaps Italy).

I find this very odd because, unless for some reason I am only aquainted the best of the bunch, I have found most of my male aquaintances here to be perfectly nice, likeable people. Infact, comparing with my home country, I would say there is a higher rate of respectful men here.

Perhaps this is because I don't play into the roles so many women think they need to take on to have a relationship. While for the first couple dates I may be a bit more demure (Rule #1: It is impolite to broadcast your personal craziness indiscriminately), that soon fades away, and the full force of my personality is apparent. Take it or leave it, honey.

As I see it, if you act like a burikko, you are going to attract people who are into being the powerful one in a relationship. If you give your power away so freely, you have a much higher chance of ending up with a nasty boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever.

I am opinionated, silly and outspoken. I demand respect, and will immediately take someone to task if they say something I do/say/believe is because I am female/gaijin(hate that word)/whatever. I pay my part of the bill, and do not expect to be treated differently. And, lo and behold, guys don't flee from me... quite the opposite. I stick to the idea that people are people, wherever you go.

Other positive and negative reactions I have experienced so far and their common perpetrators (sheesh, this is starting to sound like some kind of primer!) are:

- Being photographed without you or your partner's consent, usually by elderly Japanese men with overly large cameras
- Being asked about 'size', interestingly from both Asian and non-Asian men (sorry, I have not conducted a full demographic study on the matter, nor do I intend to)
- Joy on the part of cafe owners ( 'Ya'll look so stylish, please sit near the window'!)
- Giggling high schoolers of both genders (minds=blown)
- Reaaally annoying the Nationalist guys in the nasty black trucks, especially when you start giggling at their ridiculous proclamations (Note: this is also a solo sport)
- Being told 'your children will be sooo cute' by women of all ages (eeesh...any 'children' I have will be furry, four-footed, and infinitely more adorable than a human child)

As with all dating, at times amusing, at times exasperating. All I can say is that, personally, so far there have been a lot of fun, respectful times!

Children and the Workplace

My stance on progeny (aka nope!), is pretty well known amongst my friends, but at work I have not discussed it, besides a oblique comment during my interview that quitting work to be a shufu is not one of my life goals.

Also, I know that my direct managers all have or want children. It is a fact that many of those who have kids can get very defensive if someone mentions that they don't want them, and last thing I want to do is antagonize the people I work so closely with. 

Keeping this balance can be very difficult. 

I was at a work dinner, when one of our clients asked: 'What will you do about your vegetarianism when you have kids?'.

I froze. My usual 'uuuhm, nah' is not going to cut it, especially since the gentleman in question is a father. I did my best with 'ohh, I've never thought of it, どうでしょうね' but for some reason they got stuck on it, with me getting progressively uncomfortable. 

Even in my relatively young area of tech, the female = mother monolith is alive and well.

How does one deal with this? I don't want to lie, but the truth is a maaaajor conversation stopper!

-2 Karma Points

Once a week I hit up my hot yoga studio, to combine a tough workout with a mental scrubbing. The fact that the room is deliciously hot is a big plus as well.

Depending on the teacher, the music and atmosphere will be a bit different. N-sensei prefers no background music, and instead does some vedic chanting at the beginning and end of the session herself. Some of the more old-school instructors use Adiemus, and others seem to like gamelan music.

The other day the soundtrack started off fine, semi-decent new-agey music. As we started moving through the Sun Salutation there was a kind of squeal mixed in. A couple positions later there was giggling, and I started to have a sense of foreboding. The chattering and squealing soon after confirmed my fears: babies' voices had been added into the music.

Why?! How in heaven's name is that relaxing in any way? It will distract those who have or want children (apparently it is an instinctive response) and is disturbing and irritating to those of us lacking maternal instincts.

I was hoping that the yoga class was going to help me unwind, but I ended up leaving more wound up than a cuckoo clock and eating an entire bag of crisps.... (okay, so that was my own choice, whatever.)

Dating in Japan: Meet the Parents

Yokohama sunsets are one of the many reasons I am glad to live in my current location. In the summer I get home right when the sky is at its most dramatic, and during the rest of the year, if I work from home, it lets me know that I am almost done.

It is under one of these stunning displays of colour that Matcha-kun asked a simple, but slightly terrifying question.

'When you have time, maybe you should come meet my parents?'

Oooh boy. He made it clear that this is not a formal '娘をください/息子をよろしく' kind of situation, but rather a detour when visiting the area... but it still freaks me out a bit. Technically it makes sense, since he intends to work outside of Japan for a bit, and so the chances of doing this at a later date are complicated by that possibility. But still...

This is a complex issue. While around here it is becoming more common for parents to meet their children's significant others earlier in a relationship, I am not sure if this is the case in the inaka. They may take this more seriously than his idea, of checking out the apple orchards, munching some apples and then popping in to say hi.

On paper, I could be mistaken as the ideal Japanese daughter in law. Well-studied, knows how to cook Japanese food, how to wear kimono, play the koto and shamisen, was a miko for a while and speaks decent Japanese. Off paper I am tall, forthright, have little interest in children and 'what the neighbours think', and speak in a rather masculine version of kansaiben. Oh, and not Japanese (like, duh).

But besides that, it seems to be indicating to potential future plans which I am not sure I wish to be a part of yet. While the average woman in these parts might be overjoyed with the idea ('いいんじやない！25 is prime marriage age!') I do not feel that is that is my case. I have been having a blast, and like things as they are right now. My goals and plans require a certain amount of freedom, and being tied to someone, no matter how wonderful and delightful, does restrict that.

Yes, I am indeed over-thinking this whole situation, but I know he doesn't do anything without thinking it through at length. And you never know how parents will react. While seeing a picture of yours truly might be just fine, actually seeing me in person with their first son might not go over quite as well. Big eyes and pale skin only work up to a certain point.

But yes, I will go. If just for the apples and seeing the sun set over someplace new.

Grump, grump, grump

'Japan is not reproducing' is all one ever hears. 'There is a dearth of children' they say.
This may well be the case, although Japan (as many small island nations) has a history of maintaining low population due to lack of livable area surface. However, I fear that this might be one of the reasons the 'children uber alles' attitude, currently extremely prevalent in most of the US and Europe, has made it here as well... darn it.

When I was first here, 5 years ago (dear lord, time flies) and then again in Kobe, it seemed to me that most parents in Japan do a pretty decent job of controlling and disciplining their children. Sure, sometimes kids will be kids, which is totally normal. However, recently the level of permissiveness seems to have gone through the roof.

Recently, while at the drugstore, a young kid was rushing around like mad, vaguely watched by his father. The child proceeds to careen around a corner and run over my toes. My bare, sandal clad toes. Which of course leads to me hopping up and down, squealing 'itai!'.

What does the guardian of the kid do?

'Yukihiro!'.

No 'stop that right now'. No 'come back here and apologize'. In fact, no apology whatsoever (shocking for Japan!). Just shout at the kid, and not stop him at all. All I know is that if I had ever done that in front of my parents, I would have been told to apologize immediately and be given a severe talking-to about respecting others.

Next day, on the train, two kids are in the seats, squirming, shouting and generally being obstreperous. So be it. Eventually they quiet down, and prepare to leave the train.

I am answering an e-mail on my phone when suddenly I feel a pull on my bag. And there the boy was. Tugging hard on the lock. Of my beautiful. delicate. Furla. purse.

'What are you doing?'

The kid's mouth falls open, and he retreats to his little friend. A 30-something onlooker gives me a dirty look (a la 'but hes only a chiiiild'). The older lady in front of me gives me a 'well done' nod. (A HA! Generational divide!)

I truly hope this is only summer vacation hijinks... but others have confirmed this phenomenon as well.

And this is not a good week to annoy me. My training results have plateaued (so I am hungry 24/7, but have limited choices of food I can eat due to braces), have had to miss several Hashes due to work, and have to jump through visa-renewal hoops.

I do my best to remain pleasant. But. don't. touch. the bag.

Winter in Tokyo... and Ms.Godzilla asks for advice

Tokyo is not a place where I expect it to snow (albeit that my digs are closer to Yokohama).

There is something terribly romantic about practicing the koto (particularly pieces like 'Yuki' or 'Yugao', based on Genji Monogatari) while it is snowing outside. However, having spent my undergraduate years in the cold,snowy MidWest of the US, I am actually no longer a big fan of snow. I take the Italian approach: 'You go to the snow, ski on it, and then leave.'

Even in small amounts it seems to somehow muffle sound, making the world more quiet... of course that could just be caused by the wooly hat and wrapping my scarf all the way up to my ears!

Perhaps it is the weather, but the snow reminded me of how long I have been getting to know Matcha-kun... and the fact that, at some point in the near future, I need to tell him the truth.

You see, I am one of those 'unnatural' women who has no interest in having children. I realized this when I was very young, and shut up about it, since it seemed like every other girl I knew was crazy about children and babies. I have not changed my opinion since then. I do not hate kids in the least, infact I quite like them... provided they are someone else's.

I have been told, usually by men, that I will change my mind, that when the right guy comes along I will somehow magically develop the desire to procreate (I will not even go into how insulting it is to tell someone they do not know their own mind). Besides, the right guy did show up, and I desperately tried to convince myself that children might be a possibility. But there is only so far you can deceive yourself. On the plus side, from the end of that relationship I realized that I need to make this fact abundantly clear.But when?!

If I state ' Hey, nice to meet you and, incidentally, I have no interest whatsoever in bearing your children' on a first date, the results are easily imaginable. Do I wait for him to broach the topic first (eeesh, that sounds cowardly)? Do I bring it up when we start discussing a more serious relationship? Matcha-kun does not appear particularly interested in kids, from what I have observed.... but being a chounan in most countries does carry several expectations, an heir being one of them...

I do not lie. I do not bait-and-switch. But this little fact about myself really does not help at all, especially in this country, where it seems all the guys want to have kids... it would be so much easier if I did too.

One should never say never, as stranger things than a person changing their long-held beliefs happen all the time... but how do I tell him? Any advice for a slightly frightened giant amphibian?