Dating in Japan: Feminism and Being the Odd One Out

Dating in Japan as a rather fervent feminist is a constant education in boundaries. 

How far does one bend, to adjust to cultural differences? How to gently make your position crystal clear, when your significant other is trying to be kind, but missing the mark? When to make a stand, and when to save your comments for another time?

Having now been in a relationship with Matcha-kun for two and a half years (whoa!), I can definitely see how he has changed over time, as he has absorbed a great deal of information on issues that are important to me. An understanding of women's issues, accepting my strong views on vegetarianism, better knowledge of non-binary gender and sexuality issues... his willingness to learn about these often uncomfortable subjects is one of the many reasons we are still in a relationship.

Of the two, he is definitely the more easygoing one, a true grace for me, as I am very intense and stubborn. I know that I must drive him absolutely nuts sometimes, but nonetheless he doesn't run.

But surrounding cultural norms, and the opinions I hear from other people, often still make my (metaphorical) hackles rise.

However I look at it the issues seem to boil down to money, or rather economic independence.

When I was pondering a career move, which might mean that I would be without work for a bit, the various reactions I got were highly annoying. Matcha-kun, thinking he was being kind, kept on reiterating that it would be okay, he would support me economically. I tried to gently deflect this line of thought, until eventually I had to take a much firmer stance. 

He is not responsible for supporting me, I am in charge of me. Whatever decisions I make, I will take responsibility for them, and making a living is on the forefront of that list. It is very hard to explain to someone, who is obviously trying to be reassuring, why this ticks me off so much.

From the Greek chorus I live with, the comments seemed to focus on how, should I have any financial or visa issues, I should get married. Again, this bothers me. The concept of using someone for their money disturbs me, as does the idea of giving up all my independence (and hard earned skills) just because I might potentially have a slightly rocky couple of months.

I take great pride in fending for myself, and do not see economic dependence as something to aspire to. Being by myself is not frightening, and in this there is strength. I do not seek someone who will take care of me, but rather someone who will be an equal partner in crime. 

These stances make me (and others who have similar affinities) stand out among many of my circle of acquaintances. A belief in true equality makes one a bit of an outlier here, and sometimes it seems the breaking point is near. And other times you need to restrain yourself from slapping people.

But fortunately at least with Matcha-kun we both bend but do not break, like my neighbor's majestic bamboo during typhoon season.

Ready? Set. GO!

The wind rushes past me in the morning, almost as if it might miss the train to work. It brings the lingering scent of ripe persimmons and a freshness very much welcome in these un-autumnly warm mornings.

After the relative quiet and leisurely work pace of the summer, it is a little bit difficult to readjust to the busier schedules of the autumn and winter. In addition to my actual job, I also do some freelance writing for a magazine, along with some music work. Infact, in early November I will have my first on-stage koto performance in Japan, so looots of rehearsals with the ensemble.

Oh yeah, and a social life and all that. I try to keep up with everything, but with all the various nomikai, meet ups, dates and general rushing about, sometimes even that is tiring. So I go hide at Lu's Cafe (yes, again) and scarf down some of their new menu items, such as the highly satisfying tomato and mushroom omraisu, while curling up in the big leather chairs.

Still, I can't help but look forward to the next couple months. Nabe and oden make their appearance once again, as does the plethora of delicious autumn foods like matsutake mushrooms, pumpkin, new rice and various sorts of sake. Soon the leaves will change colour, and we will be able to spend hours wandering under the beautiful trees, bathed in that special (and highly flattering) soft light.

And it means new clothes! All the running, yoga and weight-training have shrunk me down a bit, so a lot of my clothes are now too big. So, off to Uniqlo, where I discovered I now fit into their pants, (this is a big deal, people!), and promptly snapped up some new jeans, skinny black pants and even turquoise shorts. Love it.

Week Away: Singapore

It seems kind of odd to spend eight hours on a plane to get to another country, to then spend 90% of the time in said country in meetings, in a rather anonymous conference room. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn more about my job and meet my colleagues from across Asia... but as an inveterate explorer, it was somewhat frustrating not being able to see much of the city.

Nonetheless, I managed to get a bit of free time to see the strange, identity-less Singapore, on early morning runs by the river.

Mostly I had to stay around the Quay and Marina Bay areas, which are shiny with tall, sparkling buildings, and almost as bright at night as during the day.

Every night was a feast from each of Singapore's main populations: Chinese, Thai, Malay, Indian... and expat? Everything was delicious, and the restaurants were often lovely, dramatic affairs... but the portions were somewhat American in size, to the dismay of my waistline. The view of Marina Bay from Level 33 (pics above) wins for most dramatic backdrop, however the afternoon tea at 10 Scotts on Orchard Road had some of the most amazing desserts I have had in a while, particularly the rose-flavoured macaron with raspberries.

                           

Thanks to my lovely boss, I had half a day to run free, and spent most of it near Arab Street, shopping in the nearby mall (yay country-wide sales and cheap shoes!), before going to the street itself to visit the mosque, ramble about while listening to the muezzin sing out the call to prayer, and then stuff my face with delicious falafel and hummus. 

All in all an interesting experience, and I never thought that I would be going on business trips so soon in my career :) 

A Sunday at Ryogoku

Conversation last Sunday.

T-chan: Okaeri, you're back late.
Me: Un, I went to Ryogoku for the Senshuraku, and then got invited to a hasami-ire party afterwards at one of the stables.
T-chan: Oh, thats nice.
......
......
T-chan: Wait, WHAT!?!

To clarify, my boss is a huge sumo fan (pun not intended). She travels all over Japan to see the big matches, and is friends with several rikishi and sumo stable owners. She is too shibui for words.

Last Sunday was Senshuraku, which is the final big match after the major 15 day tournament, where all the famous wrestlers appeared,  with the awards ceremony for the winner at the end. This year the winner was the famous Baruto, who is Estonian. It was amazing to hear the crowd call out for him and praise him, even though he is not Japanese :)

 

My boss invited two business associates to come along to the match, and we shared one of the little private booths, a stones throw from the ring. As thanks, I made snacks for everyone.

It was amazing to be so close to the action, and despite my initial skepticism (come on, two huge guys throwing themselves at each other? really?) I throughly enjoyed it. The matches go from 8 am to 6pm, with the highest ranking wrestlers at the end. Showing up around 1pm to lounge, drink sake and talk with your friends, while observing some of the new up-and-comers, is all very iki (chic)... elegant, and somehow belonging to a different time.

It was fascinating to see that about half of the ozeki (high ranking wrestlers) are from other countries. Mongolians are de riguer, but there was also a series of Eastern Europeans, and a very muscular, trim Czech rikishi. I was really taken by the cool, colourful advertisement banners, which became more and more frequent as the final match approached.

Also, these guys are tall! Many are around 1.90m... perhaps I should start looking around for retired sumo dudes... How do I know they are that tall? Oh well, you know, by hanging out at a retirement party for a wrestler at one of my boss's favorite stables... and participating in the hasami-ire, where they have their top-knot cut, to show they are no longer an active wrestler. This was all very surreal. And delicious, as we got to eat chanko nabe prepared and served by some of the wrestlers. So, so good!

If you ever have the chance to see sumo up close, I thoroughly recommend it. It is a fascinating world, as well as a great excuse to have a couple of glasses of good sake in the early afternoon!

Little Moments

This is the busiest time for my industry, and man can I feel it. Not even New Years makes much of a dent in my schedule. However, there is always time for life's little pleasures... especially if they are cheap or free!

I got a gig doing some hair modeling in Ginza. Just walking to the salon was a breath of fresh air, looking at all the roads and buildings decorated for Christmas, glittering in the dark. I was a bit apprehensive, but fortunately the salon wanted shots of rather elegant styles. My hair turned out wonderfully poofy, the perm brought back to life! The stylist also gave me one of those wonderful head massages, and I was close to passing out, out of sheer happy.

Banks in Japan give their clients little gifts (perhaps to placate our annoyance at the ridiculously low interest returns?). In my case, I got some onset bath salts. So relaxing, and they make skin wonderfully soft. I'm saving the last one for February, when my desire to run away to Okinawa to escape the cold will be at it's strongest.

And finally, pumpkin pudding ice cream. So, so delicious.

Hidden Tokyo

Those shadowy spaces beneath raised highways, train tracks and bridges are unexpectedly fascinating.

On a desperate search for an inkanya (seal maker) who could quickly make me a personal seal, so I could FINALLY open a bank account, I came across the less oshare side of Azabu Juban.

Tucked in beneath the cement roads of the Tokyo highway loop there is a little river, shadowed and green, surrounded by carpenters' workshops staffed by serious-looking men in split-toed boots. Nearby, a blue four-story apartment building and okonomiyaki restaurant, directly beneath the road.

Next door to the inkanya there is a furniture rental store which proclaims in three different languages (badly) that they infact only rent furniture. And as I walk (read: sprint) back towards my office, the bright flash of orange that is Tokyo Tower surprises me. It is a strangely shy landmark, hard to see in this area of high rises.

These places are not forgotten, but somehow diminished, perhaps from the shadows they live beneath. This is the Tokyo we usually only catch glimpses of, while speeding by on trains or riding taxis to the next appointment. These little enclaves that never get the full light of the sun, yet brightened by the red lanterns of an izakaya, bright blue rails of a bridge, the flashing signs of a tiny shoutengai and a playground filled with little dogs (and occasionally children). This is the Tokyo few will ever really know.

And, glowing near the river, a sign saying Label Cafe'... an adventure for another time.

Work

Life has been rather hectic, since the share house I was supposed to move into is not finished yet (however, yay for brand new buildings). So, I have been commuting from Shin-Yokohama (where the building owner rented a room for me and T-chan, who also had no place to stay), which adds a good deal of stress in the morning, since norikae are not exactly my favourite thing in the world.

Nonetheless, today makes for exactly one successful week at The Office.

I have not been yelled at, accidentally insulted anyone due to my shaky keigo or deleted any un-recoverable documents.

I have hung out at ridiculously expensive hotels, met a lot of very interesting people and learned how to use Excel.

            

     Jacket: Elizabeth and James, scarf: Missoni, shirt and pant: The Limited, shoes: Michael Kors, bag: Furla

It was a rather odd week, and I have ridden more taxis in three days than in the last three years. I went along with my boss to do a sales pitch in Shinagawa, and got to eat great vegetarian sushi on the 46th floor of the company's very tall, very shiny building, overlooking the Imperial Palace. Then for a MBA fair event I got to spend two evenings in the New Otani, the over-the-top decor of which still seems to be very Bubble-era. However, on the less oshare side, the boss took me to a live music dive in Shinjuku, to watch a friend of hers perform. I was fine with it, but she looked like she would prefer to be anywhere else.

Food-wise it has been either feast or famine. I didn't have a kitchen (or time) and so my own hurriedly eaten lunches (when I remembered to eat) were from the cheapest side of the combini. 

Oh, but the business dinners... wow. Tohoku-style cuisine in Shinjuku (before hitting up the live-house) with some of the best sake I have ever drunk in my life. The aforementioned 'sky sushi' in Shinagawa. And finally a strange but beautiful izakaya in Aoyama (seemingly run by guys who may moonlight as hosts a couple stations over), whose delicately fried satoimo and ume-ochazuke I will dream of for years to come.

Let's just hope these perks make up for the hours and hours spent in front of Excel sheets...